Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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