that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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