I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
