Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize