I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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