I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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