You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
