i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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