That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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