You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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