the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
