she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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