I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
