there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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