I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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