I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
