i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
