just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We need to rekindle our bromance
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
