I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
