Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
