Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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