My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
