I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
