my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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