oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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