So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
