i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My liver just had a heart attack.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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