Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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