I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
