Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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