i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
