I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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