Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
