they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
