The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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