You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so that wasnt chicken after all
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
