Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I wear drunk well.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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