Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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