I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
