dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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