did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
