The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
