I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
