I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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