At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
