Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
last night I used snow as a chaser
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
