made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
