listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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