She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
