you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize