ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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