i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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