You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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