the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
