Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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