I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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