You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
