i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
