I think I won the penis lottery.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
