Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have post one night stand depression
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
