my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
