You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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