Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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