I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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