Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
